The eternal vows: Some thoughts on marriage, at my first anniversary (I still agree, and I'm close to the second one now!)

In about a fortnight, I’ll have completed a year of married life. Most people I’ve met speak of marriage as a noose, a life sentence. A year of ha­nds-on experience has taught me why. And no, I do­n’t agree. At least, not yet! True, it’s not a piece of ca­ke. But then, can you say that about anything in life?
Being married is like having a job. You need to slog and struggle and create your way ahead. Of course, most people are willing to work their brains out for their careers, but don’t even consider working at th­eir relationships. And then again, most people also ha­te their jobs, so it’s not surprising they hate their married lives, too. They’re working because they ha­ve to, not seeking something they want, not taking pleasure in anything they do — and then complaining about it every minute.
And while we’re at it, there’s something else I’ve he­ard so often it makes me want to bang someone’s head: “Arranged marriages work better than love ma­rriages”. (What is it that people have against love?) It’s the high level of expectations, people say, which makes love marriages break down.
There is, however, another major factor that works against love marriages, and it’s NOT love, or expectations. It’s the stubbornness of our families, supposed to be our support system, which kills the relationship. Consider these examples: A couple I kn­ow developed such serious differences they wanted a divorce. But families from both sides put in every ounce of effort to save the marriage. The result? They patched up and are living happily now. Contrary to this, another couple quarelled over some minor issue, but theirs was a ‘lo­ve marriage’. The family, very conveniently, left them to fight it out, since ‘it was their decision in the first place’. The couple lived separately for several years before things got better. So before you condemn love marriages for being too demanding, just think of all the other things working against them.
Actually, you'd stop thinking of marriage as a noose if you just stopped taking each other for granted.Think: how much you loved to dress up for your boyfriend/girlfriend every time he/she came to meet you. Well, then, why does it happen that people stop 'dressing up' for each other or make an effort to look good for each other once they get married? Remember how you used to pine and miss each other after a fight, or how you just bought each other small gifts for no reason at all.... well, is there any reason why you should stop doing that just because you don't need to 'woo' your partner anymore?
The point is: life’s not a fairytale. You can’t just ‘li­v­e happily ever after’. Relationships need a lot of hard work, and definitely a lot of support. So instead of drudging it out everyday, try looking at marital bliss as a career goal, and you might just get there.

Saddest words of tongue or pen

At a seminar a few days ago, I heard a sentence that, to me, seemed the saddest possible in a human being’s life. It was spoken in passing, without the littlest bit of grief, and had nothing to do with the subject being discussed. Just that the speaker, while answering a question, spoke of a nagging wish that his people used to have. “We’ve given up that dream now,” he added, before moving on to answer the question.
For some reason, the sentence filled me with immense grief. I cannot imagine a worse thing than having to give up a dream. Now, I know you’re thinking of much worse things — losing a limb, or a loved one, having your home destroyed in riots or wars… there’s a long list. But consider, for a moment, any of the above scenarios. Life doesn’t stop at loss. Whether it is your home or your loved one, you pick up the broken shards, and try to rebuild your life. And there’s only one thing that enables you to do it. Hope. Dreams. The dream that you can create a beautiful life all over again. However impossible they might be, in the end it’s just dreams that fuel life. Everyone makes it through the toughest times dreaming of something — a distant beacon that pulls them ahead.
People who are driven to give up their lives, that is, who commit suicide, are ones who have lost all hope. They see no light at the end of the tunnel, no way to rebuild their lives. You could call them cowardly, foolish, whatever. But the reason is always that. And that’s why, it is truly sad when you have to accept fate and give up your dream. As American poet John Greenleaf Whittier wrote, “For of all sad wo­rds of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: ‘It mi­ght have been!’”
Of course, the death of one dream won’t necessarily drive you to the arms of death itself. And that’s because we live with not one but a million dreams in our heart. That, perhaps, is the thing that keeps us alive — the other dreams that still might come true!